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| i bought a present for her
id never really talked to her before
but
i went to target
and with my very own money
that i had been saving
i bought a little m&ms toy
and some chocolates
and a card
i wrote
for her
to have a happy valentines day
she was standing in the hallway
in my ignorantly brave way
i walked up and handed it to her
she was popping little candies into her mouth
and i interrupted her
she stared at the toy for a second
then she looked uncomfortably around
then she handed me one
single
candy
and i walked away
and i knew what the difference between pity
and empathy
is
| | |
| my dad took me skiing
for the first time
we had to go cross country skiing
because it was the only "real" skiing
according to my dad
i was only 4
so i wasnt very fast
my dad was helping my brother james
and my brothers alan and doug
were helping me
james and my dad started going lots faster
and i just couldnt keep up.
i wasnt very good at it.
my brothers started going faster too
after a little bit
i was alone
it felt like there was no one for always around me
my dad came back around the bend.
i think
if he had come a minute sooner
i wouldnt be so afraid of being alone
or so convinced that i deserve to be.
| | |
| there was a creek
in the back of the house
you had to sneak through the barbed-wire fence
and crawl under the big log
if you were having an especially lucky day
then you might see a deer
or better yet
a baby deer
once
i saw a baby deer
drinking from the creek
my dad would sometimes go hunting
usually, he would have to do it
on september the thirteenth
thats my birthday
but its also the only time
that he could go hunting
he brought home a deer one time
he had shot it
right through its heart
he hung it up in the backyard.
i remember seeing it
hanging there
bleeding
and i thought of the baby deer
and then i didnt want to kill anymore.
| | |
| theres a pebble
in your shoe
and its biting
with its teeth
into your flesh
digging
and cutting
until blood soaks through the linen
you stop in the street
to remove your feet
from this painful
time of day
i leave the stone there
knowing that its not fair
call it an
experiment in pain
somewhere inside of me
i just have to see
how much more
i can take
can i stand the ache?
will i fall and break?
or will i be strong
enough today
i like to test myself
thats probably not the right word
but i dont know what else to use
i will purposefully cause myself pain
to see how much i can stand
when i get a pebble caught in my shoe
i will leave it there
to see how much i can take
to see when i will break down
and take it out
sometimes
i leave it there until i bleed
sometimes
for no reason at all
ill stop eating
for days
to see if i will give into the hunger
to see if
when there is plenty of food available
i will eat
sometimes ill stop drinking
and my throat will dry up
and ill become exhausted
and weak
but i wont drink
because i have to see
how long i can go
when im sitting in one position
for a long time
and i start to cramp up
and it become painful
ill stay in one position
my breathing will quicken
ill get so uncomfortable
but ill stay there
trying to accept the
pain
trying to
get used to it
sometimes i go out
without my glasses
or contacts
(im very very nearly blind)
just to see how much i can recognize
to see how long i can go
before i go crazy
from not being able to see
anything
when i get cut
or scraped
or bruised
i impede the healing process
to see how much of the pain i can take
to see how many times i can
pull the scab off
im pretty good at all these things
after doing them for years
i can resist a lot
i can withstand
a lot
self control
i suppose is what its all for
maybe not
im really not sure
but theres something else i test myself with
something...
im not so good at
i have your picture
in my wallet
the one
where youre smiling
so beautifully
i try to see
how long i can go
without looking at it
without pulling my wallet out
and holding your picture in my hands...
i can never make it
longer than a day.
so i guess
i really dont have much self control after all... | | |
| ill give you a thought
if you give me a penny
but
ill give you a dollar
if you give me
a thought
conditions being
that it must be original
unique
and
thought-provoking.
| | |
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Compliment Generator
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The Surrealist Compliment Generator
The
Surrealist Compliment
Generator
Surrealism Server | Jardin
Mécanisme | MadSci Network
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